The Professional Left Present The Wizard of Oz

In the UK, there's a time-honoured Christmas tradition known as pantomime. It dates from the Middle Ages, from the old Christmas court pagentry. It's basically a drama enactment on stage of well-known folk tales and nursery rhymes. Usually, it consists of a sweet young actress (or more recently the current boyband heartthrob) playing the male ingenu figure (or the "principle boy") as well as an older comedian, in drag, playing the stock character of the Widow Twankey.

Just imagine if the Professional Left put on a special pantomime this year. Here's how I think it would look.

THE WIZARD OF OZ

Starring:-

KATRINA VANDEN HEUVEL as Dorothy:-

"Toto, I don't think we're in Kansas anymore. Oh my goodness! Who are all these horrible, smelly, little paupers? Munchkins? Oh ... dear ... of course their plight must be bettered, but ... please ... the stench ... the poor are always so much better further away, don't you think, Toto? Toto ... Toto ... FILTHY DOG! What have you done? Oh, my ruby slippers, my ruby Jimmy Choos ... I TOLD you Toto, never to do poopsie in the middle of the road where I'm walking. Munchkin ... you, Munchkin ... clean my shoe."

Ed Schultz as the Scarecrow:-

"We gotta see that damned Wizard, but first we gotta rid ourselves of this old slut, I mean, wicked witch. Here, lemme see. Anybody gotta gun? And those munchkins, ya know, they can get ridda that bitch, I mean witch simply by not voting. YA HEAR THAT, MUNCHKINS, DON'T VOTE!"

Bill Maher as the Tin Man;-

"I know I got no heart,and - Scare Crow- I'll let ya in on a secret. I'm only along for the ride. I hear The Emerald City is just as good as Vegas. Someone said they opened a new Playboy Mansion there. And the weed! I had to say that to be allowed along. I just hope this wizard dude isn't some ninja gangsta, know what I mean?"

Keith Olbermann as the Cowardly Lion:-

"If I were King of the Leftwing ... not prince, not duke, not earl. I'd ensure that everyone went to bed each night after having it made mandatory that they listen whilst I read to them from a book of my favourite James Thurber stories. I don't vote, you see, because I'm a coward for commitment, but I'll happily follow any fashionable Leftwing political lead. Baseball, anyone?"

Arianna Huffington as Glenda:-

"Yes, dahlink, Hi am your fairy godmother, dahlink, now ... let me see ze ruby slippers. Oh, yes ... Jimmy Choos, although, myself, I would have chosen Manolo Blaniks. So much more comfortable, dahlink. Now, you must follow the Yellow Brick Road. Don't bother walking, dahlink, because I have laid on 10 luxury buses at $10,000 each just to take you and all the Munchkins to the Emerald City to protest, you know. Because the Wizard, dahlink, he really isn't that much into you."

Joan Walsh as the Wicked Witch of the West:-

"Really, Dorothy, get help. I mean, are you mental? And those little people, what are they called? Munchkins ... not that I don't have short friends, but really I resent small people who think they have a right to disagree with people who get to spout opinions on television. I must get back to writing my book on witchcraft if I could ever tear myself away from watching baseball. Oh, and I'll have those slippers, Dorothy. I deserve them more than you. My family were working class, ya know."

Dennis Kucinich as Mayor of the Munchkin City in the county and the land of Oz.

Ron Paul as the Munchkin Coroner.

With special pantomime appearances by:-

Glenn Greenwald as Buttons, the narrator:-

"This is a tale of illegal torture, kidnapping and government cover-up in the land of Oz. For years, the place was governed illegally by a surreptitious wizard and a couple of old crones who stepped on civil liberties of the populace, not that they really shouldn't have any rights anyway, because they're devoted to Dear Leader the Wizard."

And ...

Michael Moore (in drag) as the Widow Wanker:-

"I need to be there with the Munchkins, my subjects, when the liberating Dorothy arrives. After all, I arranged for the hurricane to bring her here. I have to guide Glenda the good witch to always do good by our Munchkins and then I have to be right there in the Emerald City by the Wizard's side. I put him in power, you know. He and I are the real 1 per cent, except I spread my wealth faster than my ass is spreading."

And finally ...

Ralph Nader as The Wizard of Oz:-

"Pay no attention to that man in the White House. He's an Uncle Tom, I tell you. An Uncle Tom. Bought and sold by the corporate powers of Oz. We should be looking around to find someone to replace him, but I won't be replaced. I will go on and on busting unions, making racist analogies, damn it, fighting for what I think is right for this country!"