Sunday, October 2, 2011

The Gone With the Wind of Political Pundits

In view of all the latest controversy that's occurred regarding perceived racism on the Left, I began to wonder what that epic film, "Gone With the Wind" would look like, if it were remade today and cast with celebrity talking heads. There'd even be politically-relevant dialogue added, and maybe the story might be changed to reflect the personalities of the celebrities taking part.

Here goes with my theory (and keep in mind, I was drinking a Jack Daniels and ginger ale, after having spent the day with my mother-in-law when I thought this up):-

GONE WITH THE WIND ... an Epic Tale of How the Left was Ratfucked ....

Starring ...

Arianna Huffington as Scarlett O'Hara:-

"Fiddle-dee-dee, dahlink! Left and Right do not matter. Ve must fight ze banks and corporations while I continue to make money, money, money, dahlinks .... Rhett, where are you, Rhett? I have to go to my yoga lesson at four o'clock and you have to drive me in the Prius, dahlink ..."

Pat Buchanan as Rhett Butler:-

"Scarlett ... I say, Scarlett, I don't give a damn what those scurvy Liberals are saying. Those nigras were happier and better off as slaves working the fields. At least they got three square meals a day and didn't have to worry about healthcare with your mother running around wiping their noses."

Joan Walsh as Miss Mellie Hamilton:-

"Oh, Scarlett! How I wish I could be like you and have my website get all those clicks! Darling, you're so brave and fearless. Why, it doesn't phase you one little bit to lie the way you do! But you've got to help me, Scarlett. I know I'm just a mealy-mouthed little woman, but I can't figure out why those nigras are bullying me at the moment. I mean, I thought black people were there to make us feel better. Oh well, I think I'll die now. Look after Ashley for me, won't you, Scarlett?"

Seth MacFarlane as Ashley Wilkes:-

"What am I doing, Mellie? Just drawing another cartoon of a little dog who speaks with an English accent? Yes, I know, I need to look for a job, but I was born to run a big plantation and to order lesser folk about. Yes, I know the war is lost, but why can't the world be more liberal, Melanie? Why can't it be the way it should be, with we better people telling all the lesser folk how to think? Why, Mellie, why?"

Dennis Kucinich as Charles Hamilton, Scarlett's first husband and Melanie's brother:-

"Scarlett, I did the Grand Tour when I was in college. I made lasting friendships, especially with an enlightened Libyan fellow named Muamar and a jolly chap in Syria who told me his name was Assad. After the war, my dear, we should visit them."

Bill Maher as Wade Hampton Hamilton, Scarlett's Son:-

"Mamma ...Wade hungwy! Want some ninny now! Mamma, gimme some ninny! I want my Maypo! Wade hungwy! Mamma, Wade want gangstas!"

Gene Lyons as Gerald O'Hara, Scarlett's father:-

"Do you mean to tell me, Katie Scarlett O'Hara, that you want an education? That you've written books? Why, the next thing I know, you'll be bringing educated nigras into my house! I won't have it. I say, I won't have it! Girl, you should know your place, you and the servants. What's that? No one understands the blacks? Yadda yadda yadda ..."

Katrina vanden Heuvel as Ellen O'Hara, Scarlett's mother:-

"Look, Mr O'Hara. Just look. I've spent all morning hand-sewing clothes for the poor nigra servants. I had to use a lot of fabric for the men's trousers. (You know those nigra men have such big ... well, you know.) At least if Eldridge is anything to go by, according to what my late mamma said ... I wonder how she knew, Mr O'Hara?"

Chris Matthews as Frank Kennedy, Scarlett's second husband:-

"HA! Scarlett, do you know what I found today? A darkie who talked and sounded just like an intelligent white man! HA! He sounded so white, I forgot for a moment that he was black! Why, Scarlett, it sent a tingle up my leg! HA!"

Michael Moore as Aunt PittyPat Hamilton:-

"Scarlett, please, I've got the vapours! Those wicked Yankee Republicans are just about to burn the city and I can't find the waxins strips to take the beard off my face! I just can't bear for those awful Teabagging Yankees to set foot on my lawn! I'd be expecting black people to come with them, but I know all I'll get is a bunch of white Republican Yankees. What's that? ... Why, Mr Boner, I DO declare ..."

Charles and David Koch as the Tarleton Twins:-

"War, war, war, Scarlett! That's what we want! That, and a good girl to marry and a nice one to have fun with. Say, Scarlett, what if Brent marries that nice, little Michele Bachmann and I, Stuart, will take that lil'ole Sarah Palin, and then we'll both have fun with you. Our mamma always did say you were a media whore. After all, we have to kill off those pesky, old liberals."

Tavis Smiley as Mammy:-

"Now, Miss Scarlett, don't you worry if the Yankees burn Tara. I got some friends at Countrywide who'll see you good for a new house at an interest rate you just won't believe. And, child, I'll walk a mile to Walmart just to get you and lil'Wade some shoes."

Ron Paul as Uncle Henry Hamilton:-

"The worst day's work these damned Yankees ever did was take away our states' rights! Scarlett, shut up about Tara and the Yankees burning it! Don't you have insurance? Pittypat, get your fat ass in this buggy right now! We got to get to Macon before the Yankees get to us! Hurry up, or I'll leave you to the charity of the churches!"

Cornel West as Prissy:-

"Lord, Miss Scarlett! I don't know nothin'bout no poor people! Please don't make me ride through that slum in that bus! Please, Miss Scarlett! I'm and educated Negro! I don't know why I ever did lie about being around poor people! Miss Scarlett, I was educated at Harvard!"

Maxine Waters as Dilcey, Prissy's mother:-

Doesn't have a speaking part, but the scene where she beats Prissy over the head with the Congressional mace is very affecting.

Bill O'Reilly as Dr Meade, a blowhard:-

"A baby? Me? Deliver a baby? My dear Miss Scarlett, I am the most important man in Atlanta. People come far and wide to listen to me orate. I don't have time for such trivial matters. Now, be off with you. I've a war to talk about and lies to propagate."

Jane Hamsher as Emmie Slattery, a white trash girl who helps Scarlett open a sawmill, where they work convicts to death and who becomes the founder and charter member of the Ku Klux Klan. Only repeats 2 words of dialogue throughout:-

"Dumbest Motherfuckers."

Keith Olbermann as General Sherman:-

Tortures the residents of Atlanta by forcing them to attend his readings of Washington Irving each Friday at 10pm.

Allen West as Little Sam, a freed slave who wants to lead other freed slaves back into slavery:

"Guys, are you crazy. We never had it so good. Wait a minute ... hey, wait. Where'ya going?"

Sarah Palin as Belle Boyd, a Southern spy who says too much and gets caught out:-

"I mean, this war, ya know, it's all about - job creation is the main thing the rebels want - gotta get these messages to old Stonewall, ya know - ringing these bells and defending our Second Amendment rights - in what respect, Charlie? Oh, you're not Charlie? Well, are ya pallin'around with Yankees then - with a lot of thought on Lincoln's debt ceiling, ya know I've read some of'em, all of'em but ... I'll get back to ya on that one. Let me pray about that. Can I go now or are ya goin' to let me sit in on one of your death panels? I should have ya in my crosshairs, ya know."

With screenplay by John Heileman and Mark Halperin:-

Heileman: "It's the greatest story ever told."

Halperin: "It's a dick."

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